Turned to dust

Turned to dust
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
I buried my lover two decades into our love affair
Heaps and heaps of sand kissed her coffin as they carried it six feet under
Flowers, cards and words were the final present upon her grave

Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
My lover is no more
The pain sits comfortably between my chest
Every other day it peaks its head out and laughs at me with all its might

Turned into dust
Buried with no tear from my eye
In denial and in disbelief for a whole year
Until it struck me down
Weight loss came
My health went south

Accepting your passing was a task all on its own
Its living without your warm smile that's indescribable

Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
Here today, turned to dust tomorrow

"Pain demands to be felt"
Life left my name in its palm
Permanently residing in my chest
Only tears make it better but for a day

Dust to dust
Ashes to ashes
I buried my lover
Two decades into our love affair

I know not how to live beyond but I have to
Phoenix I am
Dust

Love lost my name in the mail

With my head safely resting on your chest
I remember the future that is not promised to us
I think of the love and laughter we are never to see beyond this friendship
I wonder if these hugs will ever remind you of home


Or will the hurt of the past always be a constant reminder of our past
I have failed to selflessly love you
I have dismally failed to unconditionally love you
Had I met you before you met me I would be with you


Had I always put me first I would have loved you fiercely
The weakest parts of you remind me of my father
And the strongest parts remind me of the man I have grown to love


Grown to know and see love others
I have seen you help old ladies climb lapas to find their seats, I have seen you wipe little girls' tears and I have seen you guide those younger than you to lead better lives


I have seen you continue to laugh with me and love me after all the rejection I sent your way
I constantly see your attempts at being a better man and being crushed on every side


I have seen you pray with and for those around you
I have seen you hustle and grind to get things going for your mom and little sis back home
I have seen you try to get your family to see that you are a changed man


I have seen you stand up to your dad and remind him that he is a father
I have seen all points of your life and how you have survived them all


Modimo at the front of it all
You are amazing, if only life afforded me the opportunity to be with you
All I know is that I will forever love you
From your cricket laughter, to your weird dance moves, to your dark, chocolate skin, to your beautiful white smile


May you continue to love with your all and may she love you more than I ever will
I love you, always


With all my love


B

Let it shine

The hardest thing to do as a human being is to love again after your heart has been crushed and your fingers have been burnt. I generally enjoy being single, I feel as though I am giving the best years of my life to myself. I have seen how relationships consume a person because of all the things that have to be done.


I cannot begin to say I understand why we are raised to think that marriage is the ultimate dream, as though beyond it there is nothing.
Who says we can't study, travel and dream big beyond marriage? Who ever placed a high pedestal on marriage needs to unwind it. Do not get me wrong, I am not saying we should not get married, all I am saying is that independence goes a long way. Ambition and dreams to build an empire beyond your husband and kids keeps the fire in your life as an individual alive.


We can't afford to lose our individual traits and aspirations because bae is here, if anything bae and I ought to have the same vision so as to work towards that goal. I ought to have my own dreams too and chase them without feeling as if I am outshining bae or anything of that nature. The adequate beast within needs to be unleashed beyond having a baby, beyond unemployment, beyond marriage and most definitely beyond having a bae.


I know I always share my opinions neh but I just feel like we need to have these conversations. Our little sisters and brothers need to have dreams, goals and aspirations beyond dating the coolest girl/boy at school, varsity, church etc.


We need to raise a generation that is aware of its individualism first, and then we can talk about bae and all we can aspire to reach. I got my fingers burnt for camouflaging my dreams into a joint venture in a relationship, I could not even speak when he was wrong because I was his cushion. Always there to Sis Dolly his life instead of telling him like it is, I let him define me. When he left? I was a mess because what I had moulded myself into had packed up and left, things were stale, with no growth whatsoever. I lost my greatest trait: my instinct in the relationship because I felt as though I had to dim my light and let him shine, that almost killed me.


There ought to be a balance between you, me and us. We have to come to the realisation that relationships do not complete us, all they do is compliment who and what we are. The minute we feel like our other half completes us, go nale mathata. What will be of you when they die or leave you? And were you incomplete before they came into your life? But how?


All I am trying to say is that in as much as we want to unconditionally love people, let that unconditional love begin at home. I was actually going to talk about learning how to love after all the pain you have been through but my head has a mind of its own

With all my love
B

Go tshwana fela

Dig, dig, dig deeper
Find your mouth's next feed
In your own land

Curse your master
Make him money
A slave in your own house

Feed his gravy train
Sweat and die
Leaving all your riches

Hurry on down the earth's crust
Deep down into the Anaconda's belly
Come back with Asbestos & Silicosis as your reward

Hurry about & lay with her
Give her your ills & take her life sentence
Stray from pills & die a poor man

Your mind has been played by the fake master
Your money is his now
So is your land and all that you are
All you can do is write poems about it & wallow in sad truths

Rise up oh! Afrikan child
Vuk' emaqandeni masebe
The time is now

Ke nako
Setimela sa goya Johni se fitlhile
Pagama tuu, reye go swa rotlhe
Kgang kgolo ke gore re lokile mogo maswe

Re tlogetse sera se re tseela tsotlhe
Epa foo re swe
Dira ka pele mabitla a re emetse

Itlhaganele tuu
Bokamoso ba rona ke loso
Gaise re amogele sepe molefatsheng la maswi le dinotshi
Epa foo, re ipoloke

Ga rena mosola
Re tshwana fela le bao re ba bolokileng
Ga rena mosola go fitlhela re kuka ditshwanelo tsa rona ka magetle
Re busetsa lefatshe la rona modiatleng tsa rona

Nkabo re sule rotlhe
Ka gore bana ba rona ga bana lehumo lepe ntle le tshokolo mo ga bone

Ga rena mosola
Ga kena mosola
Go thata
A re sweng tuu

Eyes

My brother once told me that one sees into one's soul when they look into their eyes
I had an encounter today
Several times at best, I looked into his eyes as ideas flew around and I remembered how I was a sapio-sexual


I got a chance to pierce off the walls he built around his aura and see the naked truth all by myself
I saw the crisp realness that lay in his eyes
I saw the beauty that is to unfold beneath all the walls he has built around him
I found his haven and before I could connect, he looked away


Before I could pierce in deeper, he dropped his gaze and looked at another
Only for a bit until he fixed his gaze upon me and I felt a surge of safety run through my teeth as my jaw dropped
His hugs are not the best but we can work on that
Its his eyes and the purity with which they live that struck me open


It was in the bosom of deep conversations that my heart reawakened to love's call
Its in his eyes
Cher would testify, ask her

26.08.2013

Numb can never be associated with pain
Its prick is always ready to devour
The innocent are its daily prey
Pain is not for the fainthearted
Heck! its not for anyone at all
Yet it loves each & every one of us


When your ducks seems to finally get into rows
It pounces on your heart, licking old wounds
Resurfacing old scars with new paint
Old wine skins traded for new wine at all costs


With no warning
It comes as fragile as premedicated death
As silent as the sting of suicide upon us
Unbelievable yet true to the core
Ready to silence our voices
Ready to roar and be heard


Pain is life's mantra


Never too happy nor too sad
Always involuntary and sharp
Always skin deep and shallow corners
Never full


Forever on stand by
Pain knows not the meaning of numbness
Nor the subtle yet gentle nature of love
Selfish and self-centered it always remains
Fulfilling its wildest dreams while breaking our hearts into mosaic sized pieces


Pain is our eternal companion
Sipping tea on the fence of love, hate and/or both
Pain knows our address
Hell! It lives on our shores
Killing endorphins as soon as they show their eyes
Pricking away at happiness as fast as Diesel stealing cars


Turning silly laughs into horrid tears of agony
Slipping through fingers like oil from fried fish
Skiing through our lives like ice on a hot day
We never summon you but you love us
We never call you but you are always home
We loathe your sting
You love us whole
Catch the irony


You are the epitome of our wildest dreams come true
The essence of Nada, Prada and yada yada
The unpredictable source of all things predictable
The essence of the adrenaline life sucks to render victorious


You are the starring of our lives
The main man with no intent of letting either of us go


You are anything but disloyal
Faithful to the sun's core
I take off my hat to you
A young bow would ruin your bitter swing
I will leave you to it


Numbness has never been a part of your vocabulary


You are a special breed all on your own
Saluting you would raise your ego
Hence we pray your sting away
Rejoice when you depart


Never take anything for granted
We live lives built on solid love
We know you and we will never let you in
The scent of your perfume will always linger on our front lapas but never will we allow you to dine with us


Love thine neighbour, laugh your ass of, do what you will


Life is too short and too unpredictable to be anything but you.


Bye pain


Spreading all of me
B

Sore

Sore hearts never get to fill the void of love
Broken hearts never see the light beyond the tunnel
Torn hearts never see the light of day


Drained hearts never live with the humans
Absent hearts are always loved
Loving hearts never receive half the love they give out


Worn out hearts always love the most
Tired hearts never cease to revive others
Mine is entangled in all of the above


Tired, bruised, burnt and in pieces yet it still wants to love again. Feel again and above all share all the love it has never been given the chance to share

Crimson eyes know my name

Pain resides on the outskirts of my heart but it all stops now. It all stops today

I will wait for him and he will find me whole and content

With all my love
Phoenix